Tag Archives: Grief

Thoughtful Thursday

Yesterday was a surreal day. In addition to the normal ups and downs of life, especially now, within certain confines of COVID-19, it was the 5th anniversary of my baby brother’s passing.

In so many ways, I still have not really grasped that he is no longer here. Logically, of course, I know he is not. At times, I still think, “Oh, I need to tell him this or show him that,” only to have grief slap me HARD in the face when I realize he is gone. The oddest, strangest reality is that I think of him most in the early morning when I am preparing for my day. I cannot tell you how often I am crying while I am showering, and sometimes I realize I am crying without even knowing I started.

He was bigger than life, a scrapper and fiercely protective of his family and those he held dear. He could sell anything to anyone and leave them grateful for the purchase. He was also one of the biggest practical jokesters-and no one was off limits!

His passing was totally unexpected. No one, even his Dr, knew he had a congenital heart condition that sat silently waiting. Though this was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life thus far, there are several things I am thankful for, too. I am thankful my parents, especially my Mom, predeceased him. I am thankful that he was a born-again believer in Christ. I am thankful that I KNOW I will one day be reunited with him in heaven. I am thankful I had a part in raising him, watching him grow and loving him. I am thankful I knew him. I am thankful he was my brother.

Morose Monition

I have felt it coming for a long time some of it because of external situations and some from internal.

My life has been a constant struggle with a very heavy, deeply rooted depression.  I know why for most of it, but not for all.  I struggle and struggle, but nothing helps except medication.  And, therein, lies the problem-I had to recently come off a med that was causing a myriad of horrendous side effects. https://captivedreamswindow.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/monday-musing/

The medication had served me well for ten years but no more.  As the symptoms kept piling up every day, and the wait to see the Dr kept floating further away, I have had a few tremendous number of morose monitions.

Severe depression has been an area of my life that I have regularly beat myself up over, as it is one I can NOT overcome-even with God’s mighty help.

Burying myself in the Bible, I have come to understand something.  There are great and mighty people of the Bible that suffered from depression, too, and through it all, God shows His kindness and love for each one.

As long as I have no surprises, I can function fairly well, but surprises (not the good kind-I love, love those) throw me into a tailspin, and I lose all sense of reality, gentleness and kindness.  Such was the case this week, when one of my dear ones said something very judgmental and unfair, and I retaliated with information that had been a long held (and should have remained) secret.  This led to a very acrimonious shout down, from which none have recovered and some may never.

Plus, and believe me I am not trying to say “poor me,” but we are almost finished with cleaning and emptying Dad’s house (Mom’s too, though she passed away 4 years ago).  So, the closer we get to it being empty, the more we throw away, give away and/or save, the more I grieve, because this is the last tangible tie I have to him and her.  To say I have been HIGHLY emotional lately is the grossest of understatements.