Friday Flashback

This post was a very difficult and painful one to write. I wrote it three days after Robin Williams died.

It is one of the most open, honest posts I’ve ever written. If by sharing my experience, I help someone else, it will have been worth it.

Thursday’s Thoughts

Raw, tender and agonizing are just a few words to describe how I feel right now. For many years, I have suffered from depression and recent news has stirred up innumerable feelings.

I haven’t had access to the internet for several days now, and though I had heard about Robin Williams’ death, I had not read or seen any reports. I know there have been countless stories, blogs and remembrances almost everywhere, and I know too, that this is late, but I feel led to share my story.

This won’t be easy for me because the memories are painful, but they are invading virtually every thought.

Quite a few years ago, my husband and I were going through some growing pains in our marriage. He was a career soldier, and I worked and cared for our three young children. I was managing a large apartment community at the time that had some pretty significant perks. Things were becoming tenuous at best and indescribable at worst. Due to my very dysfunctional childhood, fear, imprudence and immaturity, I decided I could care for our three children and myself and asked him to leave. He decided to request and received, an overseas tour.

I continued to work for the property management company until several months later when I was offered a job with a great deal more pay in another city. So, I packed up myself and three little ones, and we took off on a grand adventure. Little did I know.

Fortunately, I was able to enroll my little ones in a before and after school care that included evening hours. I began working 10-14 hours a day 6 days a week with little to no time to rest, much less make friends and become part of the community. Initially loved my new job, but things started slowly unraveling.

Work became a haven as I could handle what was going on there easier than I could handle home and all its demands, not to mention the loneliness and isolation I felt.

The company I worked for started laying people off and in true last hired fashion, I was laid off. I received a decent severance package, to include continuation of insurance for a short period of time.

Without realizing what was happening, I spiraled into SEVERE depression. As time went on, I was less and less able to handle even the smallest of day-to-day tasks. The kids were still going to before and after school care, and I was just trying to make it through the next 10 seconds without feeling like I was drowning a very slow and very painful death.

And then one day, I seemed to have clarity of thought and action. I decided life wasn’t worth living and in a bizarre (though typical ideation) I began to systematically prepare everything for my death. Insurance was checked to see if it covered suicide (it did), I found a sweet, older Christian couple to care for the kids long-term, contacted Red Cross to find out what they would need to notify my husband and went to see a friend I made where I had worked.

My friend and I talked for a little while and then, for reasons unknown to me at the time, they asked me to go home and stay there until they came by later that day. I agreed and went home.

I know now that my friend, although not a Christian, was being led by God. This friend had a sister who had committed suicide and was able to recognize in me, through their heartbreaking experience, what I was doing, even though I didn’t. I was saying, “Good-bye.”

Later in the day, my friend came by to see me and was able to talk me into getting help.

I wish I could say this experience worked a miracle. I wish I could say I had not tried to commit suicide before (first time I was 13). I wish I could say I am free of depression. Unfortunately, I can’t. I continued and still continue with debilitating depression. I did learn one thing though-how to recognize when the depression is getting out of hand and to seek help right away.

I also learned, even when fleeing from myself and the Lord, the Lord is still there just waiting for me to return.

I cling to certain verses now.

John 16:33b King James Version (KJV) 33b In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Philippians 4:19 King James Version (KJV) 19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 15:13 King James Version (KJV) 13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Psalm 31:24 King James Version (KJV) 24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.

Psalm 30:5b King James Version (KJV) 5b  weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

And so many more, I can’t even begin to list them all.

There’s a lot more to my story, but I leave you with this: If you are hurting, lost in sadness, overwhelmed by life, feel like you can’t go on or a million other things that leave you feeling hopeless or helpless-get help. Don’t let anything or anyone stop you-GET HELPI cannot stress this enoughPlease, oh, please GET HELP!

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/70431/money-insurance?ic=506011

http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/cf/slideshows/what-to-do-when-you-are-depressed?ic=obnetwork

http://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/#Hotline

National Suicide Hopeline
Phone: 800.784.2433

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Phone: 800.273.8255

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About RobbyeFaye

An avid reader, homemaker and grandmother. I try to be as real, honest and thought provoking as possible. My blog is primarily devoted to book reviews, but at times it has stretched and grown, as it ebbs and flows with me. However, I still read a lot and review the books I read. Loving life and Jesus Christ.
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33 Responses to Friday Flashback

  1. It is so good to read these stories, stories where people have the courage to put aside the stigmas society places on mental issues, and encourage others that have lost hope. Thanks!

    Liked by 3 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Mike, thank you for your kind words.
      It wasn’t an easy post to write the first time, and when it showed up on my FB memories, it was difficult. However, I felt I needed to share it, regardless of how hard it was. So many people struggle silently and hopelessly, feeling they have nowhere to turn.
      Thank you again for your kindness.
      Blessings~

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Red Letters says:

    Oh bless you for sharing your heart. I hate that there is a stigma attached to mental illnesses and we need more wonderful people like you to speak up and say ‘we know how it feels and there is hope!’
    Much love to you!
    Hayley 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Hayley, thank you so much for your kind words.
      It wasn’t easy to write the original post, and when it showed up on my FB memories, it was difficult. However, I felt I should share it, regardless of how hard it was. So many people struggle silently and hopelessly, feeling they have nowhere to turn.
      Thank you again for your kind words.
      Love you back! ❤
      Blessings~

      Liked by 2 people

  3. lelandandbecky says:

    Thank you for writing such an honest post and I pray that those who need to read it, will read it and be encouraged! My daughter babysat for a family that recently lost not one, but two!! children to suicide. They have been just devastated and I pray for them often. I’m praying that God will continually encourage you and that you will feel His love even more, and know what a treasure you really are!!! While I’ve only known you through FB and blogs, I always look forward to your comments, and hope some day I can hug you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Thank you so much, I look forward to that day!
      The original was difficult to write, and it was difficult for me to see it again when it showed up on my FB memories. However, I felt I needed to share it, regardless of how difficult it was for me.
      There are so many people that are struggling silently and hopelessly, feeling they have nowhere to turn and no way out.
      Thank you for your kindness.
      Blessings~

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you so much for posting this. I’m sharing it in the hope that it will help others.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I understand, as I’ve been there. Thank you for sharing. Much love and prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Lucy, I am so sorry, It is such a horrible, hopeless feeling.
      Originally, I had a difficult time writing it. When it showed up on my FB memories, I felt I needed to share it again, regardless of how difficult it was for me.
      People struggle silently and hopelessly, feeling they have nowhere to turn and no way out when they just need to reach out. However, in the middle of all the hopelessness, they can’t always see a way out.
      Love, hugs and prayers!
      Blessings~

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I admire your transparency and courage! God will continue to use your testimony to reach many, of that I’m sure! God bless you greatly for your heart for Him and for other people! Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Thank you!
      I, originally, had a difficult time writing it. Then it showed up on my FB memories, and I felt I needed to share it again, regardless of how difficult it was for me.
      People struggle so much, mostly silently and hopelessly, feeling they have nowhere to turn and no way out when they just need to reach out. However, in the middle of all the hopelessness, they aren’t always able to see a way out.
      Hugs!
      Blessings~

      Liked by 1 person

  7. 2 Timothy 1:7 You are living this verse! Living without a spirit of fear but of love……
    I love how encouraging you are to those walking this same road. Stay fearless, hang on to Christ and you will be a blessing to so many! Blessings to you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Thank you so very much for your kind words!
      There are so many people who struggle so much, silently, feeling they have nowhere to turn and no way out. It’s so hard, yet all they need to do is reach out. However, in the middle of all their hopeless feelings, they aren’t always able to see a way out.
      Blessings~

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Canuck Carl says:

    Thank you for your courage in sharing such a candid, personal post from the depths of your heart. My 1st encounter with death was when I was a little boy or 7 or 8 when my uncle who I loved dearly committed suicide. But what was even harder for me was when every possession he owned, every picture of him went to the dump. That was the stigma in the early 1960’s towards mental illness, depression and suicide.
    Over the years I have struggled with my own bouts of anxiety disorder and depression and I do have to cling to Jesus and the Word of God as a lifeline. Blessings!

    Liked by 3 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Thank you for your kind words.
      I am so very sorry for your loss, not only of your dearly loved uncle but also of all your reminders of him, too. I’m thankful attitudes have changed, though we still have a long way to go.
      I struggle constantly. I have to cling to God’s Word. If not, I am totally lost.
      Blessings to you, too!

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Wow! What an amazing share. Life can be so difficult, but the way you found solace shows such strength inside you. I’m glad you’ve made so much progress. And I commend your brave approach to telling this story. Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      James, thank you so very much for your kind words
      It’s a daily struggle. However, I have learned what to look for and can usually get the help I need before it goes too far.
      I debated posting it, both when I wrote it, and now, but I felt very strongly that it needed to be done. In our little (or sometimes big) blogosphere world, we never know who we may help.
      I hope and pray that in some small way my story gives someone else the courage to reach out for help.

      Liked by 3 people

      • You are welcome. I’ve come to believe that when you are a good person and show a caring side, the negative people won’t post things that contradict what you’ve said, or try to make you feel any differently. What you shared was genuine and I was both glad to read it (to get to know you better even if it was a difficult thing) and sad to read it, that you had to go thru it all. But you make an excellent point about sharing helps others grow, too. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

  10. no worries, i enjoy interacting and thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Pingback: Share the Love ~ August – Gail Johnson

  12. plotmonster says:

    While I am sorry you had to go through this, I am thankful you shared your story. Glad you changed your mind. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Thank you so very much for your kind words.

      I just know, from experience and talking to others, so many people suffer silently. They think there is no hope when there is hope, it’s just hard to see when you’re blinded by all your feelings.

      Have a great day!

      Liked by 3 people

  13. Kristi Ann says:

    Amen-Amein Sister in Christ Jesus-Yeshua Robby!! Thanks so much for sharing this information!!

    Praise Jesus-Yeshua Christ for Today and Everyday, HE is KING of kings and LORD ( ADONAI ) of lords, HE is the ALPHA and OMEGA!! Glory Glory Hallelujah and Maranatha!!

    Please Pray for our Judeo-Christian Nation United States of America and Israel-Yisrael and our Christian Earth Everyday!! “Pray Without Ceasing.” ( 1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV )!!

    Our ONE True GOD’S LOVE 💜💕 is ETERNAL THROUGH HIS SON Jesus-Yeshua Christ for Today and Everyday Forevermore!!

    I Love you all Everyone through Jesus-Yeshua Christ, because HE LOVED 💕💜 EVERYONE FIRST!!

    Love 💕💜 Always and Shalom ( Peace ), YSIC \o/

    Kristi Ann

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Roos Ruse says:

    My first thought was, “This woman is brave!” for posting your bare-bones-honest, candid experience with depression. I’ve been there too, so reading your story was hard for me. I’m glad I stayed with it, kept coming back to it for days, to read in small segments, and I’m glad you found your way through. I especially appreciate how you leave crumbs for others to find their way through as well.

    Liked by 2 people

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Oh, Roos, thank you so much for your kind words. Believe me, I don’t feel brave! I can understand how it would be hard to read. I’m so glad it helped you, too!
      I debated about posting it, but felt I should.
      I still struggle with depression on occasion, However, I can now recognize the signs and get it taken care of more quickly.
      Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my blog.
      Prayers, hugs and blessings~

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Roos Ruse says:

    Dear RF, I wonder if we all hold back rather than risk being judged or avoided. But the longer I live I’m more and more impressed how much we share – good and sad. Commenting isn’t always possible for me (limited internet access in the country complicated by metal roof/siding 😉 ), but I’ve been reading at least 2 of your posts when I can since you first followed What Next. I’m glad to meet you.
    Your new friend,
    ❤ Roo ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • RobbyeFaye says:

      Roo, I think that may be very true.
      Thank you so much for commenting when you can,
      I have had very limited access to a computer the past 2-3 3 weeks and still have a couple more weeks before I’ll have my computer back,
      I hope some of my older posts are corrected 🙂 I had a bad habit of just writing and not paying a lot of attention to grammar, etc.
      I am WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY behind on some reviews I have promised to do, so I will be inundating everyone to LOOOOOOOOOOTS of reviews when I have my computer back!
      I have been fortunate enough to use a borrowed laptop for a little bit tonight and last night.
      It is so nice to meet you. I am looking forward to getting to know you better!
      Your new friend, too,
      R

      Liked by 1 person

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